Vintage Vanessa

2007-06-04T13:06:00.000-07:00

13. Every person you have ever slept with is invited to a banquet where you are the guest of honor. No one will be in attendance except you, the collection of your former lovers, and the catering service. After the meal, you are asked to give a fifteen-minute speech to the assembly.

What do you talk about?

I'm not sure where Klosterman is going with this question. I suppose he would be looking to find out your level of inhibition. I like to think that I am fairly well uninhibited plUs I have only slept with two women in my entire life, so I would probably at least mention the my past relationships.

Maybe he's looking to see what else you would discuss? I really haven't given it much thought, but I'm sure there are other things I could mention. If I am preparing it on my own then I don't see why I wouldn't take the time to mention sOmething else.

Almost Clear

2007-05-31T02:35:00.000-07:00

the newest news is simply that I contacted the Nevada DMV and reduced my ticket from $1,084 to $194. Very nice! Now I just have to get $194 before June 29. I think I'll be able to make something up though.

Also, I got this call from my recruiter the other day (well I didn't get the call but I did get his message). Now he usually leaves messages that sound sort of like this, ":) hey Vincent this is Nick, I just wanted to let you know 'blank' and to give me a call when you can," but this one sounded like this, "Vince call me," which does worry me a little.

It is either for one of two reasons I think. One, there is something serious that he wants to tell me and I'm a little scared to think of what it could be. Two, it could be because my Sister hung up on him like three times on him . . . oh, it couldn't have been him though because it was on Memorial Day and I'm sure the recruiting office wasn't open then. Crap so it must have been number one.

Well, I did call him several times today leaving messages. I'll have to call him back again tomorow.

I haven't been answering his calls because I don't like to answer calls from people I don't know and I don't see his number when he calls.

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AS FAR AS ANY T NEWS, its always a progressing creeping movement. A big deal is that the more people I think know like my Dad who I think may be suspecting something, my Mom who saw 'something' on her computer before I knocked it over, and my Brother who knows for sure, the less inhibited I feel.

It turns out that what I was scared would happen does actually happen. Once the barriers come down I have nothing left to hide from and I can be who I want to be. I like to act out when my Brother is in the room now, sit with my legs crossed, talk differently, show that my nails are painted. When I move away and I can make a new life for myself how I want it to be, then I think we are really going to see things change. I'm excited.

In TZone I recently posted something about how I feel, but I think I may have lied a little. I said that I don't get aroused from the idea of becoming a woman or acting like a woman and that it isn't because of any failed relationships I've had.

I know I don't get aroused by the thought of "being" a woman but I do get aroused from the thought of having sex as a woman. I wrote that off though because men get aroused from the thought of having sex with woman as a man, so I think it only means that I have the capacity to be attracted to men. The thought of which seems to be getting me a little aroused right now. I've been listening to my sister talk recently and she will point out guys who she thinks are hot and in some cases I would have to agree.

As far as relationship troubles, I wonder all the time about if my feelings here are just a byproduct of my sexual frustration. Maybe I'm just looking for an alternative choice because I can't deal with my lack of success in the dating scene.

Then again maybe my relationship troubles are a byproduct of my gender disphoria.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg, and which is the chicken?

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Question 13:

13: You come across a wizard in downtown Chicago. The wizard tells you he can make you more attractive if you pay him money. When you ask how this process works, the wizard points to a random person on the street. You look at this random stranger. The wizard says, "I will now make them a dollar more attractive." He waves his magic wand. Ostensibly, this person does not change at all; as far as you can tell, nothing is different. But--somehow--this person is suddenly a little more appealing. The tangible difference is invisible to the naked eye, but you can't deny that this person is vaguely sexier. This wizard has a weird rule, though--you can only pay him once. You can't keep giving him money until you're satisfied. You can only pay him one lump sum up front.

How much cash do you give the wizard?

I've put a lot of thought into this one. I would give him as much money as I could get my hands on. Not because I'm insecure about my looks or because I want to use it to score with guys (well maybe a little), but because of the advantages it would provide. I read this book series once called Runelords (GREAT BOOK AND I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT) where you could get endowments from other people through runes that you would burn into your body. One of the main villians had so many endowments of beauty that he could over run entire empires simply by asking castle guards to lower their gates and let he and his entire arm in. Now I don't expect that to happen but I would expect there to be some serious advantages with that much attractiveness. Also, it doesn't change your looks or personality it simply makes other people find you more attractive for some reason.

Question 11: Movie or Mother?

2007-05-30T02:52:00.000-07:00

11. You are watching a movie in a crowded theater. Though the plot is mediocre, you find yourself dazzled by the special effects. But with twenty minutes left in the film, you are struck with an undeniable feeling of doom: You are suddenly certain your mother has just died. There is no logical reason for this to be true, but you are certain of it. You are overtaken with the irrational metaphysical sense that--somewhere--your mom has just perished. But this is only an intuitive, amorphous feeling; there is no evidence for this, and your mother has not been ill.

Would you immediately exit the theater, or would you finish watching the movie?

I like to think that I am pretty level headed so I can't imagine that I would leave the theater to follow up on the intuitive feeling of my mothers demise. It might trouble me but I have this tendency to simply suppress the emotion that tells me to react without proof. I think that is the same reaction that keeps me from being to scared to sleep after I watch a scary movie, or that keeps me from yelling at some guy on the freeway who just flipped me off. Like I'm suppressing my animal instinct to a certain extent.

Caveat, if I wasn't enjoying myself I 'mIght' go but unless I'm just not understanding the seriousness in which I feel about the situation I would not leave otherwise.

2007-05-27T11:23:00.000-07:00

I wonder if I'm the only person who doesn't know what to call each post that I make.

Well, anyway, I have a little bit of a dilemma.

As I've posted recently I went to the recruiters office recently and everything is in process for my enlistment . . . I can't enlist until, yes, my Lasik paperwork goes through. The rub is that it has taken soooooOOOOOOOOO long that when I finally get the chance to enlIst, the fix it ticket I got in Las Vegas is going to come due almost immediately! The ticket, as it stands right now, is Over $1,000! DEAR GOD I CAN'T AFFORD THAT!

My only option as far as I can tell is One to get the fine reduced so that I only have to pay for not having current registration. Which means that I'll need to get the location for a court date changed to somewhere in San Diego. At the same time I'll need to find some way to raise enough money to pay the remaining amount off.

With that out of the way I should be fine, but I still worry about the money I'm supposed to pay for the toll freeway I used (by accident) when I came down from Los Angeles. Anyway, that will have to wait for another day.

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On the tran, I recently decided that I want to transition. I'm just waiting for the time and privacy to do it. It looks easy enough to do, the hormones are simple to procure, and walking in public wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I still feel iffy about the effects though because from what I've read at my age or more like the age at which I'll be able to transition (due to the Airforce) I'll be much older than the recommended age limit of 19-20.

I wonder what the message forum people would say?

On a sepperate note, I've been voice practising in my car recently, so today when I went to get gas for my truck I was talking away and notice this girl looking at me from her car. I looked back at her and we had a moment, it was cool and that was it, I drove off.

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10. This is the opening line of Jay McInerney's Bright Lights, Big City: "You are not the kind of guy who would be in a place like this at this time of the morning." Think about that line in the context of the novel (assuming you've read it). Now go to your CD collection and find Heart's Little Queen album (assuming you own it). Listen to the opening riff to "Barracuda."

Which of these two introductions is a higher form of art?

I've never read that novel . . . brb!

Having someone know your secret, Blessing or Curse?

2007-05-17T19:25:00.000-07:00

It appears that I have missed several posts, but I have had a lot of activity going on over those same days. In brief I went out to a club called 'LIPS', I feel odd around my brother, I went to the official recruiting station, I don't know how to accept my options, and I want acceptance without lying.

This is going to be a really long post.

Chronologically the Airforce comes first.
051707 - I left my house at about five o'clock to go to the Country Inn in Mira Mesa. I had to be there no later than 7:30, but on the plus side I did get a free dinner at Chili's (it was good . . . mmm, Chili's). The hotel was actually vEry nice, of course it was in a nice part of town. That section of Mira Mesa (if not more of it) is populated by a lot of big businesses so you see a lot of suites around there. I actually used to work there as a security guard once and I know I used to see a great deal of trophy wives. The point is that I surprised to find out that the Military had such nice digs.

The 'kids' who were there, were very young (if that fact isn't obvious by the fact that I'm calling them kids) and there were a large portion of them who had one problem which manifested itself in one of two ways. Either they were insecure about themselves and wanted to prove they were special by telling everyone else what their plans were, or they were insecure about themselves and wanted to prove they were special by making fun of people who didn't make the same choices as they did.

I'm not saying that because they got on my nerves, although I think they could have if I stayed around them for to long, but just because it helps to flesh out the type of people who seem to make up the bulk of the military's new recruites. Lots of "piss and vinegar."

So I checked in and got my dinner from Chili's then reported back for an eight o'clock meeting.

I had one roommate who was pretty cool and had the same personality as myself.
and,
I went to sleep relatively early so that I could get up by three which would allow me to be downstairs by the 4:30 wake up call without having to rely on them. It worked.

The older guy who was in charge of organizing everyone was a crack up (unintentionally I'm sure). His favorite line was "I've been in the military for 30 years and I've seen everything" then you add him chastising someone for doing something which he disapproved of. Anyway, he kept an eye on everyone until the bus arrived, but I'm going to have to save that till another day.
So tired

It is now another day.

I had driven my truck to the hotel of course, so I decided to simply follow the bus. That was more difficult than you would think it should be. I mean it's a bUs, how fast could it go? That driver must have been trained by the Nascar branch of the Army because he was past me, down the driveway, and onto the street before I could pull out of my parking spot. He then booked it down the street to the highway, made the turn at full speed, miraculously sped up to ten miles over the speed limit, ran a red light, and almost lost me and the two other drivers following him. He was what the professionals call Mr. Crazypants.

The doors opened at the recruiting office at 6:30 and the only interesting thing to mention aside from that was the cigarette incedent. Some E3 came out and "talked" to some of us about not throwing their butts on the ground. Rightfully so because it's filthy, and throwing the butts on the ground ain't no better.

So, we split up into different groups so that we could get our tests taken; vision, hearing, drugs, alchohal, and physical.

:) the Physical made me laugh for a few reasons. First, I felt like I was undercover, like I was the invisible elephant in the room, because all the guys in there were so homophobic that when they finally had us strip to our undies the guys kept repeating how uncomfortable they were.

I on the other hand felt just fine, and yes there was One cute looking guy, but I laugh because THEY WOULD NEVER HAVE SUSPECTED ME (LMAO <--really). I was funny and calm and I put them at ease around me. Plus I'm also in good shape so I had to do less tests than almost all of them. That was the other thing I found funny, because I'm not over weight I made it to the front of the line quicker then the rest. It took me a little time to figure out why that was but . . . well I guess it's not a big deal. That was pretty much it, stragglers include, the female sargent who (when asking for hands corresponding to different branches) made me feel good by labeling the Airforce recruits the smart kids (I think I love her). Additionally, I had to have my ears cleaned out, which was more embaracing then anything else, yet I'm glad it happened because I needed it bad. After I left the recruiting office, I got prepaired to go to "LIPS" which is another thing that makes me smile. THE SAME DAY THAT I HAD BROKEN PAST THE MILITARY FRONT DOOR TO ENLIST I WAS GOING TO A T BAR.

As for the bar
I left my house around five. Looking back I should have charged my phone for a bit longer but I'll go into that later.

Um, I painted my toe nails and put on my pantyhose before I left, then drove to SDSU and changed while parked in one of the parking structures. It's not to bad doing your make up in a car but I would prefer not to. This is how I dressed.

I'll have to post some pictures of that night when I get a chance to upload them, but in the interest of saving time I'm simply going to copy and paste the events of the night from a T friendly forum I've been frequenting. Night!

Anyway, as many of you know I went out this last Friday for the first time, yeah me, and it was mostly enjoyable.

There is a club in downtown San Diego called LIPS which is a T friendly club and has regular drag shows, so I drove down there around 5pm. It felt good to be in my car driving down the highway they way I would like to be. As it turns out I was driving downtown a bit to early for the club because they opened their doors at 6:30.

Not bad right? No, not really anyway but I have this really bad habit of making things more difficult for myself (especially when I'm nervous). I drove to the Vons parking lot about two blocks away and parked in the rear of the lot where there wasn't much traffic while I did some busy work and waited till six rolled around.

After about 30 minutes an ambulance parked four spaces away from me. Two 'kids' who were obviously messing around with each other. Well, when they came back from VONS (that's a grocery store BTW) they noticed that I was in my car and I could hear one of them pointing me out. Something about seeing something he liked. NEAT!! Then the other one realized what I am which set me up to be sitting in my car having to listen to them yell things at me for the next thirty minutes.

Why did I have to listen to them or stay there? /sigh because I left the lights on when I parked and ran down the battery. Yeah, I didn't want them to know that my car wouldn't start and I didn't want to have to walk past them, so I decided to wait till it was a bit darker and till they had left the parking lot before I had to venture out of my car.

Side Note: I own a Red Ford Ranger which has a Tool Bin bolted to the bed. Hardly the vehicle that I would prefer to have been driving since it lOOks like a mans car.

Suffice it to say I didn't think they would stick around for so long and I'll have to assume they just wanted to make me miserable. They were paramedics for heavens sake! I should have sufficated myself so that they would have had to give me CPR.

That was the only really bad part of my night and the really nice thing about it was that I had some really intense minutes to think about what I want from myself and where I want to take my TG issues and possible transitioning. I'll go over most of it later but as far as the night was concerned I realized that I was going to hAve to walk down the street (in daylight still) so that I could get to the club and call a tow truck not to mention enjoying the club.

If I was going to be in public anyway I decided that I was going to own the woman that I want to be, so about five minutes after I called the club to make sure I wouldn't get lost walking to it (and 15 minutes after the paramedics left) I stepped out held my head up and started walking in the best lady like manner I could muster. And, it felt really good. I got a lot of stares and looks but additionally I got a lot of NEAT comments (before they realized the whole package).
One thing that should be mentioned is that this experience was my favorite of the night.

So the club, I wasn't to fond of it. For one, I didn't have any friends with me and the house was pAcked, plus, (aside from the working T's) I was the only TG present because everyone else was part of a large bachelorette party which was going on. Suffice it to say if it weren't for the men in attendance I would have been the least passable woman there. The T's were amazingly beautiful BTW, WOW!

The real downer about the club is that I got the impression that the T's were looking down on me. It's probably all in my head because they were very nice but I felt like they saw me as a tourist more than anything else and that sorta hurt. Yeah, it hurt actually more than having to listen to those silly paramedics who I can write of as horendously vile wastes of skin (I'm not really that upset).

I never want to be or be seen to be a great big faker. I am what I am.

Oh well, the big deal is that I went out right. When I finally left I again had to walk the distance back to my car, but this time I also had to call my insurance company to send out someone to jump start my car. You know after everything else, it was no big deal though, so I got it jumped and started to drive back to my home.

There is a large State college which I pass by on my way back to my house though, so I parked on the top floor of one of its parking garages. The structure was practically empty aside from a few cars but noone ever came by. I must have been up there for an hour or two just walking around practicing my walk and then eventually lying
in the bed of my truck looking at the sky.

I started to wonder why I want to be a woman.

I decided that being a woman would not in any way make my life more meaningful nor would I suddenly be able to fix my character flaws because of my gender change.

I concluded that my sole reason for wanting to transition would have to be that it feels more comfortable to think of myself as a woman than as a man.

That's too bad though since it leaves me with a non option. I can't put my feelings down and forget them (I'm sure we've all tried that before), and I can't believe that the military would look favorably on Transitioning (for that matter I doubt the company I want to join when I leave would either). This means that my only option is to have to live two lives, public and private. /sigh my hope is that I'm wrong about what the expectations of me will be like when I leave the Airforce.

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Question 9:

9. A novel titled Interior Mirror is released to mammoth commercial success (despite middling reviews). However, a curious social trend emerges: Though no one can prove a direct scientific link, it appears that almost 30 percent of the people who read this book immediately become homosexual. Many of these newfound homosexuals credit the book for helping them reach this conclusion about their orientation, despite the fact that Interior Mirror is ostensibly a crime novel with no homo erotic content (and was written by a straight man).

Would this phenomenon increase (or decrease) the likliehood of you reading this book?

I am a very confused transgender male. I don't know where I stand on which gender I should associate most with. I know I like women but I do fantasize about being the woman in a sex scene. I know I like the sport activities that I play but don't see why I couldn't enjoy them as a woman. I know I am intrigued by the possibilities of what it would be like to be a woman, but I don't understand what it means to know that you were born in the wrong body. I like the feel of a womans body against mine but it feels right to wear womans apperal. Also, when I do cross dress it isn't sexual. In fact typically I don't get aroused, but I just enjoy the change I feel in my whole being (from the clothing and way I walk to the sitting and what I eat).

Although I'm not sure I would prefer to be gay than straight, I definitely don't look down on the option. Most importantly though, I would know without a doubt what I associate with. Of course that would be dependant on whether or not I read the book and become gay because of it.

So, the answer is I WOULD read the book and I would read it in the hopes that it would help me determine were my sexuality should be.

Oh, also, I don't think that a book can change your sexual preference, so if people were reading it who weren't gay or who weren't already leaning in that direction then I don't think they would have anything to worry about.

Well, I Woke Up, Ate, Blogged, and Got Outed to my Brother Today

2007-05-15T22:31:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what to say . . .

I was typing on my laptop in the dining room of my parents house knowing that my Brother would come home at any moment. My plan was that once I heard him type in the code to the front door I would simply duck into the bathroom. Which would have been simple if I hadn't left my laptop open from when I had been Blogging. When I look back on it I would have been better off to have simply left the laptop open since Dave typically won't read other peoples stuff without permission, though, he has and still could have.

When I ran back to close the laptop, Dave had just opened the front door and was walking down the hallway to the dining room. There was no way that I could make it to the bathroom then, so I RAN to the garage and barricaded myself behind the door.

Dave mUst have heard me running and called out my name to which I responded from the opposite side of the door he had walked to. Not to find out why I was hiding mind you but to get food from the refrigerator. Either way, I didn't want him thinking that I was hiding something perverted so I told him I had to show him something and swung open the door to reveal myself. I had on black pants, with a tight pink long sleeve shirt, full make up, red wig, and fake breasts.

To go back a few steps, while Dave and I stood on opposite sides of that closed door, I stood with back to the door thinking of how I could somehow come up with a reason why I was hiding from him that didn't involve showing myself. Obviously I didn't come up with anything to say. I just remember having two distinct feelings running through me. Dreading what having some I know would mean to my acting out, and Jubilation at knowing that there would be someone I could talk to!

Yeah, the biggest thing I am afraid of is that each additional step I take brings me closer to living as a lifestyle transgender male and maybe moving toward becoming a transexual. I've thought about Reassignment surgery a lot. The Government does not look favorably on Gays or Lesbians let alone androgyns or transexuals.

Even now I can feel the urge to stretch my new limits. I feel like the craving to take it a step further is like a spell that I don't have the will power or maybe even the desire to stop. It feels like a creeping vine moving up my consciousness trying to take over who I am.

You know what is happening? I think I do. I'm focusing on it to much and making it become all I think about. I'm obsescing over it and obsession can be dangerous. SEE? SEE WHY THIS IS SO SCARY? HOW DO I STOP IT?

maybe I don't want to. I like being a girl.

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Question 8:

8. You meet the perfect person. Romantically, this person is ideal: You find them physically attractive, intellectually stimulating, consistently funny, and deeply compassionate. However, they have one quirk: This individual is obsessed with Jim Henson's gothic puppet fantasy The Dark Crystal. Beyond watching it on DVD at least once a month, he/she peppers casual conversation with Dark Crystal references, uses Dark Crystal analogies to explain everyday events, and occasionally likes to talk intensely about the film's "deeper philosophy."

Would this be enough to stop you from marrying this individual?

No, that could be part of the charm of this guy. Maybe "the Dark Crystal" is what gives him his perfect charm, like the sun for Superman.

In addition, and I said this before, being an andrygen I doubt I'll be able to find a man or maybe a woman who will accept me, and would have to be crazy to turn away the perfect date for what sounds like it could be a cute character flaw.

Tucking

2007-05-15T00:36:00.000-07:00

May I say that I no longer have any bulges in my pants when I'm wearing something cute. Tucking is amazing! Who knew that something so basic could work so well? You would never know that there was a little bit extra hidden beneath my womans pants. I'm so excited, to go to 'LIPS' this coming Friday! I haven't quite decided that I am going to go in Drag but if I can find a safe place to get dressed and undressed, then there is no way you could stop me. I would also like to get new eyeshadow that isn't so obnoxious, new shoes which match my outfit, a corset (although I think I'll be just fine without it), some nice jewelry, a new purse, a jacket or sweater, and maybe some additional accessories (like a scarf) to hide my more masculine features. I wonder what all that would cost from GoodWill? I'll have to check it out. It would be nice to have someone to go with who looks like me or who would simply like to go with me, but that might be getting my hopes up just a bit much. Anyway, LIPS is looking to be a fun place all its own. I'm sO excited! I expect to be going en femme.

and before I forget here are some new pictures of my newest outfit.

I don't expect you will be as happy as I was but LOOK! NO BULGE :D! I FEEL SO GIDDY!
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Question 7:

7. Defying all expectation, a group of Scottish marine biologists capture a live Loch Ness Monster. In an almost unbelievable coincidence, a bear hunter in the Pacific Northwest shoots a Sasquatch in the thigh, thereby allowing zoologists to take the furry monster into captivity. These events happen on the same afternoon. That evening, the president announces he may have thyroid cancer and will undergo a biopsy later that week.

You are the front page editor of The New York Times: What do you play as the biggest story?

I lOve this question but I'm just to tired to post my answer just now. See you later bloggers.

As the editor it is my duty to determine which headline is going to make the most sales and I think people are more likely to feel attachment to the President of their country than the capture of two mythical creatures. I say it must be the President's biopsy.

I personally would rather read about Bigfood and the Locheness Monster though.

Baby Steps

2007-05-13T22:48:00.000-07:00

My Dad always says, "for every job no matter the size, take baby steps, and you will finish the job every time," and he is so right.

He has told me a lot of things over the years that I have been alive and some of them have been almost unusable, but he is 100% right this time.

I need to remember his "baby steps" when I ship out. I need to make sure I keep pushing myself to work no matter how hard or long the job appears to be.

Which reminds me, I'll need to start practicing for the DLAB this week, at least one hour every day before I go or do anything else.

Everyday work a little bit and build myself a future I can be proud of.

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Other news: I went back to a Goodwill downtown and bought some cute pants and a blouse which looks fun. I haven't really played with them yet but I will tomorrow.

The big news is this. I'm going to make reservations this Friday to go to a Transgender club downtown after I leave MEPS. It apperantly is pretty well known and I plan on having a fun time there.

The big question is, to Dress Or Not To Dress. Yeah, should I be a big girl and just go do it? Or, take the safe route and just keep laying low until I'm through basic training with money to make a weekend of it? I would really like to go dressed in the new outfit I just bought but it is scary. Anyway, if you have any suggestions let me know.

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Along with my new outfit I have now also encountered an issue which I've never had to deal with and feel like I'm getting into an entirely new level. I finally have to tuck myself in. It's a milestone of a sort and yes I'm scared of this too :) so sue me.

Question 6:

6. At long last, someone invents "the dream VCR." This machine allows you to tape an entire evening's worth of your own dreams, which you can then watch at your leisure. However, the inventor of the dream VCR will only allow you to use this device of you agree to a strange caveat: When you watch your dreams, you must do so with your family and your closest friends in the same room. They get to watch your dreams along with you. And if you don't agree to this, you can't use the dream VCR.

Would you still do this?

Interesting. I can watch my own dreams on TV? You mean like that dream I had about flying around that gigantic tower of pink bubble gum? That was an odd dream. Ok, so I've had some dreams of my ideal session with a mistress or lifestyle Dom which would be interesting to see on a TV, but aside from that I'm not sure I can think of anything else that I just have to see. The problem is I don't really remember my dreams so maybe there is something worth watching, however, my parents don't know that I made reservations to Lips this Friday or that I'm going to be tucking my testicles into my body cavity fairly often from now on. The point of mentioning that is probably pretty obvious, I couldn't take the risk of exposing my deepest emotional cravings to my family and closest friends because I don't feel comfortable with them knowing.

You know what, that probably means that I'm still not sure of how far I want to take this lifestyle choice because as long as they don't find out then they will never have to expect me to behave as a boy-girl. I would never have to endure their hesitant looks whenever my sister can't find her favorite blouse or when my sister points out some hot stud that just walked by.

The answer is NO I have a significant enough reason why I would like to keep it hidden, although, I suppose if I were allowed to remove any instances of Bondage scenes or trani fetishes then yeah I'd love to see my dreams.

Great News Regarding My Credit and Related Bills

2007-05-12T00:56:00.000-07:00

Ok, so my Dad gave me enough money this morning for me to be able to pay the time sensitive bills up to date so that they would not effect my credit SO that means I will have have a clean credit score when the Airforce runs their background check, but WAIT, I spoke with my recruiter today to see if he could check my credit again (to make sure there weren't any surprises) and he said that it wouldn't matter at this point because the credit check has already been run! Wow that was a long sentence, but ooh how there was plenty of good information, and now we are only about six days away (and counting) from getting to MEPS.

Anyway, since I had a little extra cash after paying my bills I went on a crazy all expenses paid shopping spree at the one and only "Good WIll," where I spent a whopping twelve dollars (oh yes there was change involved but you don't need to know that). :) funny story, when I was shopping I had written down all the conversions for my size to the female equivalent, which in case you're interested is very inconsistent and or just wildly confusing. I have a 33" hip which means that in womens clothing I am between a Small and Medium" (per Abercrombie, Levi's, and Anchor Blue) but when I went to look for pants I was shocked. There would have been no way for me to fit into those pants. Where I went wrong was in my waist :( . Yeah, my waist, while not flabby, is a solid 36". I suppose that means that I'll have to look for pants that are hip huggers only. I'm ok with that but they don't really organise them at "Good WIll."

You know I lost track of where I was. Ok, so I had all my size conversions written on a tab of paper and I would hang it in my mouth, scratch my head, and mutter to myself as I looked. Sure enough, when I got to the register the guy behind the desk asked me, "did they write it all down for you," assuming that I was shopping based on the guidelines of some third party. I am also assuming that he wasn't considering that the third party was helping me with measurements for myself, but I'll never see him again anyway (unless I do). Anyway, I'll include some pictures for you (there pretty crappy but I'll make better ones soon.

Question 5:

5. You meet your soul mate. However, there is a catch: Every three years, someone will break both of your soul mate's collarbones with a Crescent wrench, and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear--for the rest of your life--sound as if it's being performed by the band Alice in Chains. When you hear Creedence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it's being played by Alice in Chains. If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it's being covered by Alice in Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice in Chains; if you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like deceased Alice vocalist Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way to you).

Would you swallow the pill?

My soul mate? You mean someone who is caring, smart, athletic, successful, goal oriented, likes dogs, and (the big one) likes me as Vanessa and enjoys my kinkier side too? Wow, where do I find him? If I were just some regular guy at my age I might actually say no to this question. I'll find another love someday I would say. As I am though I'm not holding my breath while I wait to find Mr Right because I don't think it will happen. As a side note, this is one of the main reasons I am so confused on my own gender disassociation, and why I allow it to continue.

Beside all of that, Alice in Chains is a terrible band which in no small way I blame on their lead singer (God Rest His Soul). They had some moderate success with the play time they got for certain very specific songs, but the vast majority of their songs are just torcher to listen to. Try imagining what it would sound like to hear your soul mate singing "happy birthday mrs president" but in a winy and "I'm stoned out of my mind" way. Blah!

I would probably take the pill simply based on the fact that if I did somehow find my soul mate I coudn't take the chance that I would be able to find another person I could love or who could love me as much.

Shopping spree with no eye for fashion.

2007-05-10T22:26:00.000-07:00

Ok, I've decided that if I somehow have the money to pay my bills and still have a little left over for clothing, I am going to go on a "shopping spree" Friday morning and go to one of my local trani bars downtown (if I can figure out some way of not getting caught by the family). The problem with this decision is I don't have a really good eye for fashion so I don't know what to buy to go to a club downtown, especially if 'I' am the one going, not my boy body.

Shopping in person (not online) is scary though. The first time I ever went shopping for my girl side I drove about thirty minutes away from my home to do it and I still ran into someone I knew. Nothing ever seemed to come of it but it just makes me worry that I'm not safe shopping for myself if I'm anywhere within city limits. To be fair, the anxiety of shopping in public followed me even when I moved out of state for about a month.

The ironic thing about the situation is that shopping in public would be a breeze if I had the guts to embrace the female gender role as my permanent gender choice. Ok so that isn't irony it's just tricky and unfair.
----------------------------
Oh, and gOOd nEws, my Dad more or less said that he would be able to help me with my bills if the Airforce takes to long to process my medical evaluation and the money I am expecting doesn't come through. That means that I should have a good clean credit report when they run their background check. Which means that I should have a nice sizable bonus in maybe 70 days, Rori's here I come.

Question 4:

4. Genetic engineers at Johns Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so-called "super gorilla." Though the animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an I.Q. of almost 85, and--most notably--a vague sense of self-awareness. Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by football. The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be "borderline unblockable" and would likely average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays). Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent.

You are commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?

Come on now Klosterman, this has to be the worst question you posed. Realistically, there is no way I would allow that gorilla to play in the NFL for fear of the "beast" unintentionally going berserk, it's not a robot. If you dig a little further, Wikipedia says that the average IQ Score for ten year olds is 130, which, is 1.5 times the level of this super gorilla. Now I've known a few kids around that age and I would not like to play any type of contact sport with them if they could break me in half with their pinky finger.

More importantly (especially since I don't know much about the sport to begin with), my City affiliation requires that I hate the Raiders. I mean have you seen their fans? How tachi and mean spirited do they look? I'd feel sorry for the Gorilla for being stuck with them to begin with.

Question 3 and Decidedly Nicer than Question 2 It Is

2007-05-09T02:57:00.000-07:00

There are some awesome sounding Transgender clubs downtown that I really want to patron this coming Friday or Saturday, but I really want to go with my face all fixed up and my bra on. I'm to scared. I really want someone to go with who is similar in age and appearance. Really, I've come to the conclusion that I need to go out while I am still young. I need to visit some clubs meet people and have an enjoyable life while it lasts. That also happens to be the same conclusion I arrive at every few months after I've spent the last few months wishing I had something to do. It's a vicious cycle and I'm not sure how to fix it.

----------------------------

Another issue I've been playing with recently is where I fall in line on the gender issue. For full on hetero, well there isn't much chance unless pictures like these

don't mean what they obviously do. That is to say that at the very minimum, I enjoy looking like a woman if not passing for one altogether. The later would be hard to verify since I've never actually gone out in public like you see me above.

Ok, so I like to wear dresses, and make up, and pumps, and wigs, and I like to pose infront of my camera in very seductive feminine postures. That doesn't mean I'm gay or that I am a wanna be Transexual does it? I don't think so.

I think about living as Vanessa as a lifestyle Transexual on a regular basis, or even just as a Transgender male with permanent lifestyle reversal all the time. I don't know if that scenario is likely though simply because there are things that I want to do in life that simply won't happen if I allow myself to follow that path.

That doesn't mean that I can't passively persue a personal lifestyle more in line with what I as Vanessa my boy-girlness wants.

Although I get the feeling that if I let myself, Vanessa, have free reign over this body I won't stop at living only inside the house. I get the feeling that it will become a very slippery slope very quickly, and that is exciting to me.

Another point should be that although I have never had sex with a man and the thought is definitely not the most erotic image that I could think of, when I am dressed up in my pumps with my lingerie beneath my cute soft dress it becomes appealing automatically. In the situation I just described, giving pleasure actually becomes one of my fantasies. It's a state of mind for me I suppose.

Important note: for all the guys out there, there are a lot of things that I love about being a guy such as the swagger (yeah I have it when I'm have on my boy-wear), the power (I work out regularly and can rep about 200 on bench, plus, I can punch a lot harder than my little sister), the loose set of rules expected of me by society (mostly about how gross I'm aloud to be), the lack of complicated emotions clouding my judgement (it has its trade offs too), etc.

Anyway here is the Question of the Day.

Question 3:

3. Let us assume there are two boxes on a table. In one box, there is a relatively normal turtle; in the other, Adolf Hitler's skull. You have to select one of these items for your home. If you select the turtle, you can't give it away and you have to keep it alive for two years; if either of these parameters are not met, you will be fined $999 by the state. If you select Hitler's skull, you are required to display it in a semi-prominent location in your living room for the same amount of time, although you will be paid a stipend of $120 per month for doing so. Display of the skull must be apolitical.

Which option do you select?

So maybe it is because I am not Jewish and I didn't die fighting in WWII, but the idea of keeping Hitler's skull on my dining room table doesn't seem like it would be that bad (mm, well maybe on the top of my entertainment center). The question doesn't go into any detail on if we can ignore any questions aimed at deciphering the origin of the skull, so there doesn't have to be an issue with rumors of your racism or antisemitism flying around. Add to that two last details, one you get paid to display it and two you get fined if the turtles die. The second point is important because I am terrible with plants which is more or less how I view the concept of turtles as pets.

Question 2 - The Clydesdale

2007-05-07T12:39:00.000-07:00

I called my recruiter back today. He said that he would be checking on my medical paperwork to make sure we don't have to resubmit it (something about them having a 30 day leway, that's a good thing). He told me I don't have to do anything else so just show up at his office next Thursday/Friday (the days can't go by fast enough). I should probably make sure there won't be any issues with my car payment.

All of my girl-boy clothing, is in hiding right now while I stay at my parents house. It's funny because they really aren't that far out of site but nobody knows so there shouldn't be an issue. It is severely tempting for me to unlock the bag and try it on while everyone is at work but I probably won't, well maybe a little. We'll see. I only have about ten more days till I won't have time to even think about being Vanessa. Chow for now.

Your Daily Question:

2. Let us assume a fully grown, completely healthy Clydesdale horse has his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with thick rope. He is conscious and standing upright, but completely immobile. And let us assume that--for some reason--every political prisoner on earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in less than twenty minutes. You are allowed to wear steel-toed boots.

Would you attempt to do this?

NO WAY! It sounds nice to say by brutally murdering this horse every political prisoner will be released but there are several problems with the set up. For one it wasn't my fault they were imprisoned, two it's not like me kicking the life out of this defenseless horse would prevent countries from taking prisoners in the future, and three if every political prisoner were released at the same time there would be some serious animosity spreading worldwide very quickly, animosity that could cause large scale violence possibly killing just as many people as I just released. Plus there would be the very good chance that I would feel like the worlds worst person. Oh and as a side note, famous political prisoners include Adolf Hitler and Fidel Castro.

23 Questions by Chuck Klosterman

2007-05-06T09:36:00.000-07:00

Chuck Klosterman is the author of, "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs," which is one of the best books I've read. It's a social commentary whose focused is on pop culture more than breaking news stories or national developments. If you haven't read it I would advise that you do, it's funny and insightful and you can't help but enjoy at least some of it. Here I'll help you a little. Below I'm going toright out what Klosterman calls, "23 questions i ask everybody i meet in order to decide if i can really love them," you may not like all of them but I bet you ask someone somewhere at least one of these questions. Oh, and I'll include my answer below the question.

1. Let us assume you met a rudimentary magician. Let us assume he can do five simple tricks--he can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the Joker card, and two others in a similar vein. These are his only tricks and he can't learn any more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER, it turns out he's doing these five tricks with real magic. It's not an illusion; he can actually conjure the bunny out of the ether and he can move the coin through space. He's legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence.

Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein?

You know, I want to say yes, but really the only thing I would be impressed with would be the possibilities that the magic might be able to provide if people like Albert Einstein could unlock them. What's more, this magician that I've met can not learn any more magic than the very basic tricks he has already learned? Why not? Wouldn't he have seen peoples condescension coming? If he didn't have a choice of what tricks to learn then at least he didn't mAke the mistake but it also means that the acquisition of the tricks were more luck than knowledge. No, Einstein was a brilliant man, who helped unlock pieces of the universe that will affect me and man kind. He wins.

Simply because to make these questions less overwhelming, I'm only going to list one or two per day for 22 days (approximately). Toodles.

A Little Note On My Links (so far)

2007-05-05T23:23:00.000-07:00

I thought it might be worthwhile to give a brief insight into the reason for the links I have posted. In total my links are numbered in the high eights at this time.

1) Be-All: it is a growing Transgender event wherein there may be seminars, shows, activities, dinners, and much more all the while catering towards publicly displaying ones own Sexual Identity (not to be confused with Bondage shows) with pride and (what looks like) flavor. Please forgive me if I got something wrong here but I've never been, thanks for bringing thAt up >:o.

2) Transformations by Rori: Now this is something I am particularly interested in experiencing. This is Rori's private Salon, Boutique, Event Planner, and Beauty Shop (pep talk included I'm sure). You can make an appointment and go in for a makeover and while you're being made to look the best a woman should look Rori can also provide an itinerary for the rest of your day. Which would be great to show off how beautiful your features look, especially, when combined with the new dress and matching pumps you're wearing. All the right ingredients for a great night on the town. Rori, if you're reading this, I can't wait to get through basic training so I can visit you.

3) (house of) Sissify: This is something I would think Transgender people like myself would be a little more interested in than the average. From what I've read, they provide an actual service to their clients which works to train you to become the sissy/lady you've thought of becoming. For me, a boy-girl who still doesn't know his-her place in life, it seems a bit to intense, but it is still titillating and tantalizing to my imagination. Imagine getting a call from your sissy coach several times a week checking on you and encouraging you to keep on track. We'll I'm sure someone out there will be looking into it further. Oh, oh, it does cost money for the service. NOT FREE.

4) Mistress Georgia: Mistress Georgia, my favorite ProDom. This is where I wish my English skills were better because Mistress Georgia really does deserve a better introduction than the terribleness I’m about to give. Now, I probably don't have to say something as obvious as "I admit I like BDSM" with a link like this, so instead lets skip that and say Mistress Georgia is truly an experience. I have seen three ProDoms during my life but until I went to see Mistress Georgia I never left completely satisfied. I guess what I'm saying is Mistress Georgia has a lot of talent in reading what her sub's want from her and how to give it. If you're not into the scene then this is not important but if you are then look her up because you won't leave dissatisfied. The only contingent is that she told me I was lucky to get through to her since she hasn't been making many appointments recently. It’s interesting to be writing about her now, since it was the pictures of my session with her that came up on my Moms computer a few days back (make-up, lingerie, saran wrap, and more do not work well during family picture hour).

5) hurry date: The only feature I find interesting on this site would be the party system which provides dates and times for these "5 minute dates" where I assume (from what I've seen on Sex In The City) you get about 5 minutes to give your best lines to the woman sitting across from you before you have to get up and do it again at the next table. Everything else on the site is sort of a rehash of what you can find on dozens of other online matchmaking services. In conclusion, if it's good enough for "Sex in the City" then it's good enough for me (unless it isn't).

6) sexsearch: yeah it's pretty straight forward. I found this because an acquaintance told me about it. Apparently Howard Stern talks it up all the time, but I couldn't confirm that. Anyway, you pay for the "matchmaking" service which gives you access to lists of people who are looking for the same thing you are. That is to say, it hooks you up with conveniently located, um, how do I say this with a straight face . . . fUck buddies. Anyway, aside from the chance of getting gonorrhea or messy underpants syndrome then this seems pretty cool, no? <--- that was rhetorical.

7) Fiction Mania: This site has a hUge database of erotic articles, stories, blurbs, and blobs. I'm sure there are plenty of them which are terrible but there are plenty that are very interesting. If you look into it and you are like me I would like to recommend one in particular. It is called "the adventures of boy girl", there are multiple articles with this name and I think the one I read was 'number' "III." In any case, it focuses on what the author calls, "the Boy-Girl Induction," and it gives a sort of training schedule for aspiring boy-girls to follow. It virtually promises to alter your state of mind, teasing it towards an appropriately lady like posture. When I first saw it, well the first time I didn't think twice about it, but the sEcond time I read a little ways through it and it scared me. You know what they say about doing something for 20 days to make it a habit? Well this is more like two months, of conditioning yourself to sit as a lady for a minimum of ten minutes a day, accepting your inner boy-girl, and teasing yourself sensually but with complete restraint towards your genitals entirely. I began reading it, and following its directions during the sessions it proposes about a month ago, then stopped after one week. I still catch myself sitting on a chair or the floor with my legs together or crossed in a way which I never used to do. The big problem is that sitting in that way, it’s actually very comfortable and I prefer it now. Also, I sometimes have to remind myself what a guys swagger looks like to prevent my hips from moving to much. Lol, I’ve wondered if people notice how exaggerated it gets sometimes. I have it saved on my laptop so if I get enough messages about it I suppose I may be able to work out posting a copy of it here.

8) Glamor Boutique : I got this link from one of my friends at Rori’s “transformations.com” forum as an alternative to going to ‘Transformations” since Rori simply can’t be everywhere (although you should really consider trying to move to the East Coast honey, JK . . . maybe). Well it comes down to the fact that I don’t know much about this place, I’m sure it’s very nice though (even though they don’t have a message forum so I can't get to know them).

Saying Hi To My Mom

2007-05-05T23:01:00.000-07:00

So I've been ignoring my Moms calls all week, but I eventually gave in and told her I would come over to her house today. I felt very uneasy seeing her for the first time since the incident with the computer, a flash drive, incredibly sensitive pictures (of me), and both her and my step-dad (a scary man's man of a man) probably outed my most sensitive fantasies.

To her credit, my Mom did not seem to remember that the incident ever happened. I wish I could believe that she didn't (she is very intelligent, as I'm sure you all would say about your own Mothers - but I bet your mothers aren't Physics majors. Ok, neither is mine, but she is all around wonderful).

Now, it could simply have been because without me she would not have many other people to talk to and unfortunately my Step-Dad, although very responsible, is severely lacking in conversation and people skills.

I can't wait to ship out for the Airforce.
I'm not sure if I mentioned this but I'm basically planning on taking out a loan and maxing out some credit cards in order to pay my bills while I wait to get the job I'm looking for. Yeah, I have my name out work for me to find work, but I don't have a lot of faith in getting one within two weeks (unless it is a job as one of those sign twirlers - which I cOuld do).

Maybe I'll find a pretty girl in China, Italy, Germany, or Israel (maybe) who has a similar taste intence bedroom activity. Possibly even a woman who both accepts and likes being married to Vanessa as much as she enjoys being around my other boy-girl half.

Oh, and HI Rori and friends (if you've read this far)!

Dating . . . Mmm how about sitting in a chair speechless for two hours and barely saying bye to the girl you were supposed to pay attention to!!! GOD!

2007-05-04T23:27:00.000-07:00

I feel I should mention this. I love women.

I lOve the way they look,
I love the sound of their voice,
I love they way they walk and sit and move,
I love the scent of their perfume
I can't even find the words to define how much I love the touch of my skin to theirs.

As a man, I am inexplicably drawn to the site or maybe just the idea of a woman, I can't fight it. In fact, fighting may be why I now enjoy, fantasize, even strive to become a real life boy-girl, it's simply easier than the alternative. Is it?

I really don't mean to sound full of myself but I'm in good shape so I doubt it is my looks, but that just means that if it isn't the tangible than it must be the intangible (my personality). Maybe I'm just a terrible person (:/ no I don't think so).

So, this is my dilemma, how do I get myself into a relationship with someone who likes me and with whom we could both enjoy a supportive and positive relationship?

I think this sounds like another project or hobby for me, lets make a list of them then.

1) How to find a significant other
2) How to create an interesting blog
3) How to succeed in the Airforce
4) How to get just the right foundation and the perfect eye shadow for my skin tone, blue was a fun idea but it doesn't blend well. (on temporary hiatus)

In any case, here is a picture of what I would look like as a guy. I don't know how those balloons got in there, but they make a dull room look suddenly exciting. Maybe I just had a birthday party for my little sister. Who knows right?

Oh My! :O

2007-05-03T11:12:00.000-07:00

It appears blogging isn't as easy as I thought it would be or at least it is more involved than I expected. I thought this would be like making a MySpace page and although they both share similar features MySpace seem a bit more internalized. To tell you the truth I'm not sure I know what the benefit is in creating my own "Blogger" account versus creating my own "MySpace" account.

I suppose I will get less unwanted friend requests and messages from Russian mail order brides (that will be nice).

So, I can definitely write information and "publish" it and those pages are definitely accessable via the internet. Really that is all I wanted when I started so that means that I don't need anything else. The End.

Did you know that my blog is literally invisible to the entire world? Yeah, they can't see anything I "publish" here! Why does that bother me? I-have-no-i-de-a. Why should I care that noone else will ever see my CD pictures? What do I need to accomplish in order to satisfy myself? How do I get buns of steel? Oh, I need to watch that video, that's right. Silly me.

Well, it does bother me that I can't share my personal experience with others. It would also bother me to think that I wasn't smart enough to figure this beast out. I want to know if people are interested in what I have to say (ok that worries me a little).

So, what I know is that I have to submit my URL to google. Their web spider will then hopefully find my site on one of its web expeditions, although, it doesn't sound to likely that their spider will succeed if I don't help it by posting links (how), becoming an active member of the online community (wha), maybe greese a few wheels

Odd

2007-05-02T16:32:00.000-07:00

I thought it would be a little bit easier to find more blogs like my own, but I seem to be having a difficult time even finding other blogs that I might be interested in at all.

First Post

2007-05-01T16:38:00.000-07:00

Hi Bloggers,

my name is Vanessa, . . ., I am 26 years old, I'm tall with blond hair and blue eyes, my friends say I have a great personality but I probably just laugh at all the right times, I really love fitness and go to the gym four to five times a week (jogging or swimming recently), and in about one month I'll be joining the Airforce (please God no more stalling). Cryptically put, what I’ve written above are the key reasons I wanted to create a blog, but more directly “put” I’ve created this blog to chronicle my life in the Airforce and to give some substance to my rather complicated impulses to embody the boy-girl I want to be, and mAybe since this is my tenth revision of the first paragraph of my only blog I’ll also learn a bit about writing.

I would like to first express how excited I am about joining the Airforce. YEAY, I’m going to see something new! Here is a list of exciting benefits the US Government provides upon enlistment: 1) paying for me to finally finish my BA, 2) steady paycheck, 3) open door to pursue a career I have been interested in since ‘the X-Files’ was popular, 4) oh, the college waiver from 1, well they also pay for any other courses I may want to take as long as I’m certified upon completion (underwater basket weaving here I come!), 5) there is free leadership training (great for a career anywhere after my enlistment term), 6) I get a chance to directly help my country, super neat!, and 7) I get to see the world (how much cooler can you get?).

Pleasantries having been said, I would also like to say, I have had the most difficult time getting in because of my laser eye surgery (amusing anecdote, they pay for the surgery if you’re already enlisted, ha ha ha. That makes me wanna cry my $6,000 eyes out). You see you have to wait a minimum of six months after the surgery before you can have your medical evaluation processed and I just had my eyes worked on in November ’06. I’m so close to shipping out now I can tAste it, :/ but I can’t tOUch it because I might brEAk it and I just don’t have the money to bUy it. The extended wait that I have to endure because of my surgery is the worst but also the only significant issue I have.

Aside from the delay and nothing against my family, I can’t wait to get through basic training, start my career training, and travel the world (it’s going to be great!).

Hm, now for the hard part. I still don't really feel comfortable discussing alternative lifestyle issues especially when I'm referring to myself. I'm still in the closet when it comes to my boy-girl self, although, two days ago something did happen which could possibly threaten to out me unintentionally (I hope not). I was was helping my Mom move some things and was asked to help transfer files from one computer to another, so I popped the flash drive that I keep with me into her computer. To my satisfaction, my brain was not fast enough to process what I saw come up on screen (unprompted I might add), so I don't know if my hand was able to extend across the desk and knock the monitor onto the floor before both my Mom and Dad (who were sitting right there) could make out what was on the screen. Unfortunately, I don't see how they could not have at least made the connection between what looked like amateur photos taken of a sex scene and a boy-girl in compromising positions doing compromising things, combined with the hand of their boy-girl son almost breaking the monitor to keep them from seeing what they could not have possibly missed. I am Jill's stupid brain.

An interesting side note though, I deleted said photos months ago and later that day when I searched for them on mY computer I couldn't find them. Actually, I couldn't find anything on the drive at all. According to my computer the flash drive contained nothing, no hidden files, no other files, just nothing exactly like I remember making it. So my question remains, how did they come up on my Step-Dads computer? Why did it have to happen? How do I handle it?

The only positive thing to come of this train wreck so far has been that I don't feel so uptight about my secret boy-girl existence, because, if they can accept me in bondage plugged, gagged, and raped then Vanessa ain't no big deal girlfriend.